Is Glib DJ Kip Larkin My Doppelganger?

DJ Kip Larkin (R): “Hey, Byron Orlok, you really blew my mind.”

Byron Orlok: "Obviously!"



Jon Swift just watched Peter Bogdanovich's cult classic Targets (1968) at today's Central Library film screening and came down to tell me, "Now I know why you love that film so much. It's got your doppelganger in, that hippie DJ guy!"



That would be the uber-glib hippie pothead "Kip Larkin," played by Jewish standup comic Sandy Baron. When Kip Larkin tells Orlok that he's seen so many of his movies that it "blew his mind," Byron Orlok responds with "Obviously!"



When he wasn't cracking jokes, Sandy Baron took time out to pen the lyrics to the Lou Rawls song, "Natural Woman." Baron's wife Geraldine appears in the movie as his space cadet girlfriend.



Now I guess I have to add Kip Larkin to my burgeoning list of dopplegangers. I actually had a George Peppard Banacek-style bang haircut for a while in high school. Very ill-advised, in retrospect!

My Inexact Exacta

Kick Me Hard!!!

From my railbird days at Pimlico Race Course. This stills pains me. I coulda been a contender!

Tom's Inexact Exacta


Final Thoughts: I, Tom Warner am an idiot. Not just for blowing this potential $718.60 exacta in 2001at Pimlico Race Course, but for wearing those preppy white slacks. What WAS I thinking?

I'm Never Alone with My Clones

My "Separated At Birth" Doppelganger List (Updated)

Thanks to Cecilia Strakna for the latest sightings of my separated-at-birth siblings, like Martina Navratilova...


Me and Martina (I'm the one on the right)

and Tom Petty...


Nothing petty about this comparison: Me and TP

Yes, the Martina comparison is frightingly spot-on, and I used to get Tom Petty comments all the time when I was younger, gaunt-er (is that a word?) and had more - and longer - of my trademark straggly hair. It used to be every African-American person I met would call me either "Tom Petty" or, back when I played pick-up basketball, "Larry Bird" - the latter comparison inevitably forcing me to reply, "I'm flattered, but you'll soon see my game is more Chucky Driesell [former Maryland Terrapins coach Lefty Driesell's talent-challenged/benchwarming son] than Bird!"

Of course, I naturally prefer Lori Heddinger's pic of my blue-eyed twin, Paul Newman:


Me and Paul Newman (FYI, I'm on the left)

OK, fair enough. Add 'em to my ever-growing list...This isn't my list, but one comprised of people I've been told I resemble - most comparisons here come from high-functioning mentally deficient peeps, though some are courtesy of normal people who weren't dropped on their heads as babes.


Team Doppleganger: Wuz We Separated At Birth?


This is me. Now check out the rest of my alleged clones.

1. Carson Kressely

"Lemme blow ya - a kiss!"

My Couture Cousin from TV's Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. I'm a better dresser though (Carson is too into flaming pastel threads!).

2. Keith Urban


I wish! Dude looks like a lost brother of the Gibb Brothers Tribe. The Country & Western-loving bagger lady at Eddie's insists I look like him. (Was this middle-aged grandma hitting on me?)

3. Julian Sands


We both have that manly, Slavic jaw thing going on, like something only a Cubist painter or Rock 'Em-Sock 'Em Robot would envy. Oh yeah, and that Flying V receding hairline thang is definitely going on as well!

4. Bob (Frank Silva) from TWIN PEAKS


Fear me!

5. Charlie Watts


Definitely. And I played drums, too! Wait - or should that line be: "But unlike me, Charlie could actually play drums"?

6. Martin Short


Guess it's the schnozzola. I used to work as a contractor at BGE and this Jamaican guy there would always greet me at the coffee machine with a "Greetings, Mr. Marteen Short, mon!"

7. Nick Gilder


Hmmm, maybe when I had long hair and my youthful cheeks were more sullen and gaunt. Does anyone even remember "Hot Child in the City"? These days I'm more like "Old Man in the Suburbs."

8. The Greaseman (DC 101 DJ Don Tracht, greaseman.org)
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When his hair thinned, he kinda looked like me on Steroids. Always loved the Greaseman - better than his old station mate Howard Stern, for my money!

9. Kato Kaehlin

Exhibit A: Classic longhair edition


Exhibit B: Nouveau shorthair edition

Conair the Barbarian! I can certainly see a resemblance, though Kato looks smarter.

10. William Hurt


All I know is, the resemblance is Hurt-in' me bigtime.

11. David Spade


I do love his "No Can Do" attitude!

12. Southside Johnny of Asbury Jukes fame


God what an ugly fucker! Let's move on, shall we?...

13. Bill Maher


I don't see this one at all, but there's this pain-in-the-ass regular at the library who I detest who insists that I look like Bill Maher - probably just to (further) annoy me. Again, as with Martin Short, I think it has to do with my studly schnozz. (You know what they say: big nose, big...nostrils!)

14. Gary Numanesque Alien from made-for-TV doc FUTURE SHOCK.


OK, I made that last one up (taking a pic from the little known 1972 documentary based on Alvin Toffler's book Future Shock and featuring narration by Orson Welles from his I-Need-A-Paycheck period) - but only because of my triskadekaphobia (I needed a #14!). My girlfriend Amy says this looks like a mummified Incan child. (I didn't ask her if that was turn-on or not.) Personally, this dude reminds me more of Paul Williams. Either way, it's an improvement over Southside Johnny!

***

Well, there you have it People Watchers. I neglected to mention the junkie guy at the library who once quipped that I looked a lot like "This dude I knew who got shot in the face" (he didn't specify whether I looked like the guy before or after his face got blown away), but I left that one off because no picture (and possibly no face) was available to post. Please lemme know if you can think up any more. Suggestions are always welcome. But please limit submitted likenesses to mammals.

My Ego Knows No Bounds

Looking at myself through the mirror of cyberspace

My past is history, my future a mystery...OK, so here's some history, as I continue to delve through the detritus of my post-Spring Cleaning gleanings to live in hindsight's golden vision...

Old "Found Fotos" of Tommy Gunn


Katatonix drummer "Tommy Gunn"

Geezus, lookit that hair! That's me as Thee Katatonix drummer "Tommy Gunn" (yes, I took my nom de stage from the Clash song - not the poet Thom Gunn) playing at some God-awful shithole in the God-awful Shithole Days. What a scrappy looking kit, too; I think my floor tom is literally sitting on the floor! I bought that kit for a song from a law student who needed to buy new textbooks.


A more respectable, cleaned-up Tommy Gunn

Well, at least the hair's shorter. Must be from our April 1979 debut at Towson's Oddfellow's Hall. I was still wearing my college uniform of button-down blue shirt and cordoroy pants. For some strange reason, I never wore jeans during my college career; either I was subconsciously rebelling against Hippie fashion or my years in a preppy high school ingrained in me the vanilla-blandness of the WASP Dress Code. Full disclosure: I even wore a Kelly green cable-knit sweater to band practice!


Longshot of Tommy manning his Gunns

Above is my fave pic from this era as, from a distance I kinda resemble Paul Weller playing drums. (Though a co-worker thought I looked more like a blonde Beatle - would that make me "Blingo Starr"?) Note the cinder block in front of the open face bass drum. My kit used to move around stage. Sometimes I had bassist Katie Katatonic stand in front of it, but she was a lightweight and her lithe frame was easily tossed aside like a leaf-blowin'-in-the-wind by the savage force of my off-beat pounding.

Speaking of savage poundings, my Big Beat became so legendary that cartoonist (and punk rock enthusiast) Ned Riddle asked me to pose for one of his "Mr. Tweedy" strips, as shown below:



Ha! Tweedy, pure hi-larity!

And speaking of 'toons, no one made the Kats look better than George Wilcox (or was it Dave?) in his "The Band That Adds Assault To Insult" flyer:



Being a Towson State University guy, I used to hang out a lot at Oddfellows Hall, which was just up the street from the university (or "Towson You-Adversity" as we called it affectionately) across from what is now the Recher Theatre (then the Towson Theatre), where there was also head shop, a Little Tavern and an Old Man's Bar called The Kent Lounge (a personal fave dive, as Sourcis attracted high school kids with fake IDs and The Crease was a lacrosse/preppy hangout). As the name implies, it attracted a "Beautiful Weirdo" demographic of punks, hippies, druggies, rock musicians, and other social misfits. Below I can be seen cavorting with TSU Class Clown Marty Benson (aka Dimi Petrol and Dr. Bongo) in my Clockwork Orange Droogie ensemble. I remember Marty always called me "Von Tom." Oh, this was Halloween, hence the festive garb.


Clowning around at Oddfellows Hall, Halloween 1979

Funny thing is, I did used to wear that getup - the bowler derby hat, long black overcoat (I called it my "deathcoat" - this was years before the dour, dark "Columbine Look"), dark sunglasses and cords - around campus on occasion.

Though sometimes I let my guard - and pants - down. (I was single, after all!)

ID Cards

These Are People I Have Been

Going through my clutter, I ran across some old ID cards that I thought'd I'd preserve on the Internets before they turned yellow and faded away...



Ah, the timeless classic from my single days when I went out and did things before becoming a Man About Townhouse recluse in the numbingly dull suburbs. I remember this guy Don liked my card so much, he used wite-out to cover up my name and number and replaced it with his. He gave me one at a City Paper "Best Of" party one year when he strolled in with a young nubile hottie on his arm. As Sinatra sang, "Nice work if you can get it..." Don sure got more play out my card than I ever did!



This is my University of Baltimore law school ID, from the short-lived period when I deluded myself that I could be a respectable member of society. (And when I still had some hair.) I was watching a lot of Honeymooners episodes on UPN Channel 24 back then, hence my sartorial homage to Ed Norton's "t-shirt-with-vest look. Note the baby fat in my cherubic cheeks (yes, I was still living at home and subject to Ma Warner's buffet-every-day feedings).



This is my Universal Life Church Minister's card, from when I was still aiming for respectability, albeit from an Internet ministry that sold ordainships for as little as a $5 "donation." Scott Huffines and I later got ordained as Parochial Educators in the belief that it would keep us from getting sued for any transgressions resulting from our public access show Atomic TV. Scott later got married by a Baltimore-based ULC minister named John Waters (perhaps you've heard of him?).



My "Jobless Reprobate" bum card listing my skill set ("Gambling, Boozing & Skirt-chasing"), back from when I was unemployed and spending way too much time at Pimlico Racetrack with other n'ere-do-wells. This card didn't go over too well at job fairs, needless to say. You can tell it's an old card - Juno was still around as an ISP (and no, the e-mail address is no longer valid!).

Spring Cleaning

Maus in Haus Leads To Massive Kitsch Excavation


"Hercules" Warner earns his PhD (Piling Higher & Deeper)

Accumulated Decrepitude

My domicile is dicey thanks to an infestation of lil' miceys...so I took the advice of the exterminator (and my "Eeeeking!" girlfriend) and jump-started a massive Spring Cleaning operation, part of my No (Live) Mouse Left Behind initiative that will hopefully root the pesky little varmints out of their nesting areas - and Lord is this reformed Packrat's home a rodent's paradise, with piles upon piles of books, zines,CDs, videos, DVDs and magazines (not to mention carry-out menus of restaurants that went out of business decades ago!) scattered throughout the "living" quarters.

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall...

It wasn't only the mice I was afraid of; I feared that I was turning into a middle-aged version of "Kent the Hipster" in The Onion's famous kitsch-collecting put-down spoof "Family Unsure What To Do With Dead Hipster's Possessions" (you know him/me: the guy with Mexican wrestler masks, Herb Alpert LPs, "a poster of some movie called Urgh!...stacks of old cereal boxes...Hello Kitty pillows...a slew of plastic toys that don't work...and an accordion with no straps" - check, check, check, check, check, check and check!). So, armed with a broom, dustbin and a hefty amount of Hefty trash bags, I metamorphasized into Mr. Clean and stormed the gates of my Trash Palace in order to reclaim it in the name of cleanliness and peace of mind (not to mention keeping my girlfriend!). And my Herculean efforts to clean out the Augean stable of my own making has already paid off, as I've excavated many treasures buried under piles of dust, dirt mildew and grime. Like...

X Marks the Byline

...my very first byline for the Baltimore City Paper, an October 1982 story about adult film star Annie Sprinkle's visit to The Little X Theatre on Howard and Franklin Streets, back in her pre-"Post-Porn Feminist" period. The Little X Theatre, nee The Little Theatre, is now a parking lot that I pass every day on my way to and fro work. But back in the day on this very spot of asphalt, Annie thrilled audiences with her "Bosom Ballet" performance and received their hearty one-handed applause in return. (Alas, typical me, there's a typo in my print debut, with Annie referred to as Ms. Sprinkles, plural, instead of her singular self. Hmmmft, who was the proofreader back then?)


Little Oral Annie

A Clutch of Comics

I also discovered a box of cool comics, many from obscure publishers like Charlton and Tower Comics, the oldest dating back to 1950 and featuring my personal faves, those little Aryan antagonists The Katzenjammer Kids:



The Katzenjammer Kids strip was created by German immigrant Rudolph Dirks but by the 1940s the series was drawn by Harold Knerr. The 1950 issue pictured above was actually a reprint of 1946 comic drawn by Knerr and published by Standard Comics.

I even found a Norwegian version of Archie! How or why I came to own this is beyond me, but it's pretty cool in a non-essential way.



Speaking of knock-offs, I found a Tippy Teen spin-off comic featuring her friends "Go-Go" and "Animal," the latter an obvious clone of Archie's lummox jock "Moose." It was published by Tower Comics.


Tippy Teen's pals Go-Go and Animal

Bobby, David & Susan

I also found a 1972 Bobby Sherman comic - did I buy this in 1972 in a latent homo phase or did I pick it up secondhand as a latter-day hipster in the 80s or 90s? (Full disclosure: yes, I'm ashamed to say that I was a full-blown hipster during this period of pointless accumulation.) Or was it possibly my sister's? The mind boggles...







The Bobby Sherman comic was chock-full of ads for David Cassidy and Susan Dey memorabilia, reminding me that this was the golden era of ersatz TV rock stars (The Partridge Family, The Monkees, Sherman's Here Come the Brides).


Susan Dey will change your life!


A must for all girls!


David wants YOU!


David's Super L-U-V


If only David and Susan had answered this ad
and learned to play "real" music!

F***ing-A!

I also found my premiere ish of Marvel Comics' The A-Team...


I pity the fool who collects these!

The Love Racket

I found a tennis romance comic from the '60s (note the wooden racquet with wood press)!


Game, Set, Love Match

And speaking of strange sports...how 'bout the Devil bringing the heat from the pitcher's mound? (The Tampa Bay Devil Rays pale in comparison!)



War Is Hell - And Good Entertainment!

But the real gem I found in the comics bag has to be this '50s Korean War-era Men's Adventures comic filled with stories of warfare, suspense and danger. It was published by Atlas Comics, the '50s publishing company that would evolve into Marvel Comics.



I like the distinctive artwork and Cold War propaganda-filled narrative of the opening Korean War story, "Communist!" in which the North Korean protagonist proudly proclaims "Yes, I am communist! I was born a communist and am living as a communist...and will die a communist for that is the only way of life..." Click on the images below to enlarge and read along comrades!


"Communist!" page 1

What a gorgeous opening page. According to the signature at the bottom, this strip was drawn by Sam Burlockoff, who worked at MLJ Magazines in the early '40s on Zip Comics series like The Shield and The Web and later moved to Quality where he inked Blackhawk, Captain Triumph and Plastic Man around 1946. He worked for National for about 3 years in the early '50s, mostly on war comics like these. One of his few superhero assignments was working on the Superman 3-Dimension Adventures book.


"Communist!" page 2

I like the comments in the bottom right panel about "In a capitalist country like America, there live only gangsters who shoot at people night and day" (sounds like Baltimore - but this was way before Homicide, The Corner and The Wire!) and "People there live in filth and squalor, digging into the garbage of the rich for food!" (now it really sounds like the area around my work - who knew?).


"Communist!" page 3


"Communist!" page 4


"Communist!" page 5


"Communist!" page 6

Hipster Mea Culpea

Finally, if there was any doubt about my unfortunate hipster "Man About Town" phase, I unearthed a box of custom stationary I made in 1997 or 1998 (whenever it was that I turned 40). Going by the tone, I was quite the smug ass then. One page actually had a bogus press release underneath the letterhead (in which I'm described as a "Leisure Consultant," next to a graphic of a slacker with his feet propped up on a desk) that I made up as a goof when I started working at GSE Systems (I liked that gig; I was a consultant and later was hired on board full-time, but the tech bubble burst and I became "redundant" - as the Brits call it.) What hyperbole in the text - I must have ripped it off from somewhere as it's way too clever by far to be something I came up with! Still, it elicited a smirk from me when I reread it. (Wait - maybe this bogus press release actually got circulated at GSE Systems and that's why I was laid off to enjoy full-time "leisure consulting"!).


Tom Warner: Leisure Consultant, Man About Town & Sultan of Smarm

I like the lines: "His wit and aplomb in every situation conceivable let him glide effortlessly between the glitter of high society and the depths of the underworld. The kind of overdone coolness that even a Sinatra or Shatner have to work hard at came naturally to Tom Warner...Let's welcome Tom Warner to the fold and realize that's just a matter of time before this Man About Town becomes Big Man Around Office"! Oh the irony...as that BMAO is now humbly serving the citizens of Baltimore as an insignificant, lowly librarian!

But don't worry, all of these lost and found treasures will be soon disposed of at flea markets, on eBay - or whisked into that dustbin and deposited in the trash! I'm cleaning up my act!