ONE LAST WALK...

Zara Thustrasia

When I was much younger than I am now (a child in fact), I subscribed to the notion of 'best' friends. There's an irony in the concept of course, because a best friend isn't someone who is necessarily 'better' than other friends, but is instead merely one whom we like better than the rest. Over the years, I'm sure I've been a better friend to some people than those they'd regard as their 'best' pal, but I'm never going to be eligible for the position. (Not that I'd want or even try to be.)

What a poseur

So, I long ago abandoned the notion of best friends - as far as people go. However, anyone who has ever owned a dog will know that the only species on the planet that is fit to qualify for the accolade is the canine one. Dogs are genuinely happy to see us every time we come home, never bear a grudge for however many times we've scolded them over some doggy-misdemeanour, and their chief delight in life is to lie at our feet or by our side and simply bask in the pleasure of our company. (Wish I could find a woman like that.)

My dog passed on to the great 'Kennel Club in the sky' over thirteen years ago. ZARA was her name; a black and gold German Shepherd of the most placid temperament imaginable. She lived for twelve years, seven months, and I can still remember the sound of her, near the end of her days, trying to drag herself up the stairs to my room simply to be with me. (Whenever I heard her, I'd go down the stairs and carry her up.)

She had cauda equina, a condition which caused the nerves in her spine to 'fuse' together, sometimes making it difficult for her to walk. I had noticed it was getting worse and mentioned it to the vet when Zara was getting her yearly booster jags. "Och, she'll be fine for years yet!", he'd said. A mere seven days or so later, she could hardly walk at all, so I took her back and the first thing he said on sight of her was: "That dog should be put to sleep!" I reminded him that only a week before, he was saying she was in fine form. "A lot can change in a week!", he muttered. X-rays revealed that she had also developed some internal tumours, for which nothing could be done.

I explained that, as long as she wasn't in any pain, putting her to sleep wasn't an option I was prepared to consider at that time. He gave her a course of tablets, but said that they would only be of short-term benefit. A fortnight later, for the first time, she had difficulty breathing. It was the night of November 25th, 1998 and I had hoped that Zara might see another Christmas at the very least. I fetched the Christmas tree down from the attic and put it up in the livingroom, switching on the tree lights so that she could watch them twinkling in the gloom.

Zara as a pup

When morning came, I called out the vet and then carried Zara up to my room, placing her on my bed to make her as comfortable as possible. When the vet arrived, Zara lifted her head to look at him - then looked at me, licked my hand, and laid her head back down with a sigh - almost of relief. After examining her, the vet confirmed it would be better to put her to sleep. I, still clinging to some forlorn hope, said that if there were any alternative options, regardless of expense, I would prefer to explore them first. He shook his head sadly. "No, it's time", he said.

I had to sign for the lethal injection, which the vet then went out to his car to fetch. When he came back, he said: "Her circulatory system is 'down', so I'm going to have to inject straight into her heart. It isn't going to be pleasant - you might want to leave the room." I was holding Zara's paw and stroking her head and was determined to be with her to the end. It was the least I could do - she had always been there for me. "No, I'll stay", I replied.

The vet administered the injection and stood back and watched. After a while, he said: "I'm sorry, this has never happened before - she won't die." Consumed with guilt, I protested that if she could resist a lethal injection, then perhaps something could have been done for her after all. "No, she's got a strong heart, but she needs more than that to survive", he replied. Finally, he had no choice but to fetch another lethal injection to administer. Zara eventually breathed her last, to the sounds of 'Walking In The Air' from a wind-up Snowman doing its slow, circular dance close by.

I then had to help the vet put Zara in a bag and carry her out to his
car. I had arranged with him to have her privately cremated in a place called 'Elysium Fields', but it couldn't be done 'til after the weekend. On the appointed day, a friend, who was a minister, ran me through, and Zara was laid out on display before me. She looked like she was sleeping, but she was frozen solid. I stroked her fur for one last time, before my friend said a few words and read a poem over her, and she was then taken off to be 'attended' to.

Having fun in the back garden

What I hadn't realised was that the process took about two hours, so we went and sat in a cafe 'til it was over. After collecting Zara's ashes, I was struck by how warm they were and for how long they retained their heat - almost as if, in some strange way, life itself still lingered. It took me four years to gather the resolve to scatter her ashes in the back garden, where her spirit probably runs around snapping at wasps to this day.

In fact, I probably shouldn't divulge this, but on the day I scattered her ashes, I first looped her lead through the handle of the bag they were in, and took her for one last walk around the places she had known and loved when she was alive. I don't know if anyone noticed me taking a carrier bag on a lead for a stroll - I'd no doubt have got a few strange looks if they had, but it was something that I felt compelled to do. If you've ever had a dog, you'll understand. If not, you'll think I'm completely bonkers. (Not that I was dragging the bag behind me, mind you - it was by my side.)

 Two best friends - in one last walk together. What could be more fitting?

******

ZARA THUSTRASIA ROBSON

May 3rd, 1986 - November 26th, 1998

******

  "Well! I've seen men go to courageous death
In the air, on sea, on land!
But only a dog would spend his breath
In a kiss for his murderer's hand.

And if there's no heaven for love like that,
For such four-legged fealty - well!
If I have any choice, I tell you flat,
I'll take my chance in hell."

From "Rags" - by Edmund Vance Cooke.